Spotlight on Dads - Tom Bowns

Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series from Discovering Dad that features involved fathers from around the world. The objective of the series is to inspire fathers to connect and learn from one another, while also deconstructing the stereotype of fathers as 'second' parents.

This week's spotlight shines on Tom Bowns from Being Michael's Daddy. Tom and his family hail from the Portland area, and he and Michael are outnumbered by four smart and beautiful women in his house.

Tell a little about yourself. My name is Tom Bowns, and I’m a 44-year-old electrical engineer living in Portland, Oregon. I am married to a beautiful and very smart woman who works as a registered nurse, and together we are raising four kids: my two daughters from a previous marriage, her daughter from a previous marriage, and our unexpected but nonetheless loved son.

What about your family background? I grew up in a single-parent home, with my mother taking care of my two brothers and me while trying to make a living. My dad lived far away most of the time, and since I didn’t spend much time with him I didn’t have a solid role model for being a husband or father. I had to rely on what I saw outside the family, like dads of friends, or dads on TV and in movies.

I was married to my first wife for nearly ten years, and divorce was never my intent… but that’s what happened. When I married again, my wife and I decided we wouldn’t have any more children. So it was a real surprise to all of us when our son Michael came along in 2004. When my wife told me the news, I was like: “uh… that’s… uh… really powerful news.”

What do you like most about being a dad? Sharing with my kids things I think are really cool, like science, movies, Disney stuff, old music and a bizarre sense of humor; all the things I liked as a kid. I love introducing them to something they’ve never experienced before, and then seeing them become inspired by it enough to go on to create something else that’s entirely new. And, I enjoy most of all those times when they make me laugh, which is nearly every day.

What do you find most challenging about being a dad? Wondering whether or not I’m doing enough for my kids, or giving them right advice. This is especially true with the teenagers, since they tend to keep things to themselves. I’ve had to deal with some pretty harsh realities with them, and it’s tough to see them making really bad choices when I know that some consequences will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

It’s also difficult only having your kids part time. My daughters spend most of their time with their mom; I only have them one night a week and every other weekend. So it’s difficult to really be an influential part of their lives, as much as I’d like to.

What's your most memorable experience(s) so far as a dad? One of the funniest things that happened was when I took my daughters on a trip to the beach, and we had breakfast at a local restaurant. They served us pancakes with whipped butter on top. My younger daughter, who was four at the time, saw the butter on top of her pancakes, shouted “Yummy! Ice cream!” and forked the entire ball of butter into her mouth. Her expression slowly changed into disgust as she spat it out. Her sister and I burst out laughing, and half the restaurant joined in.

One of my favorite memories is when my wife and I revealed to our daughters that they were going to have a baby brother or sister. On Christmas of 2003, we gave them one last present to unwrap: the first ultrasound picture. We weren’t sure how they’d react, but they were totally excited at the prospect of being the older sisters – and being more closely related to each other as sisters.

In general, how do you think dads are perceived? Why? Maybe I’m pessimistic, but from what I’ve seen and heard throughout my life, fathers are increasingly considered as unnecessary, or otherwise grossly undervalued. It’s like nobody’s really sure what a father is supposed to be, and whether his role is even useful any more.

In the last few years, in internet forums I’ve attended and in the media, I keep hearing more and more about women who are single parents and like it just fine that way, or others who want to have children but don’t want to have a father for them. I don’t see how that can be a good thing. Knowing that a father was specifically not needed or wanted by his mother, what would her son grow up to believe about his future role as a parent or husband? And wouldn’t her daughter grow up and believe men are unnecessary and undesirable as well?

"We need men to be men. And society needs fathers."

Maybe the image of men being shown as bumbling goofs or extra-large children may be true for a select few, and it might be viewed as “cute” by many; however, I think society will be greatly damaged from the perpetuation of that image. We need men to be men. And society needs fathers.

How has the experience as dad helped you discover something new about yourself? Being a dad means giving of yourself entirely, and putting your family’s needs above your own. Growing up, I was very selfish. Becoming an active father forced me to grow outside myself, take my focus off of myself, and it has allowed me to evolve into someone who gives and truly cares for my wife and family. Honestly, I never thought I had it in me to be a dad, until my first child came along. And I never thought I had what it took to be the father to a boy, until my son came along.

Who do you go to for advice about fatherhood? Directly to God. I pray a lot for guidance and growth, and He responds by giving me opportunities to practice things, like patience, gentleness, selflessness and proper discipline. More recently, I’ve discovered a wealth of great dad bloggers out there who’ve given me a lot of inspiration and encouragement.

Do you hang out with many other dads? If not, why? If so, what do you do together? I don’t hang out with other dads. I’d really like to, but a lack of free time and too few dad friends makes that difficult at best. I believe guys should spend time together if possible, though. Men need time together for doing guy stuff and to learn from each other. I don’t think there’s enough manly mentoring going on in this society any more.

Tell a little about your blog. My blog is Being Michael’s Daddy. I started it two years ago in an attempt to journal all of the goofy and surprising stuff my son does; how difficult it is to keep up with him now that I’m past 40; and, how much I’m finding I still need to learn. I like to share little snippets of our life, bits of wisdom that I’ve accumulated along the way, and some of the amazing things I’ve learned from my kids.

"I don’t think there’s enough manly mentoring going on in this society"

Anything else you'd like to share? I hope to see more dad bloggers gather together and learn from each other, and restore the role of father as being respectable and essential.

Next week's Spotlight on Dads gets Savvy! Come back and see next Saturday.

Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series published every Saturday on Discovering Dad. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Your feedback and recommendations will help to shape this series. Thanks!

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