Monday, March 10, 2008
Roughhousing with Dad
I love to roughhouse with my kids. It's a fun way to connect and let them know that I care about them. Chasing, tackling, tickling and safely tossing them around never fails to get a laugh.
My wife Lori thinks that it gets the kids too riled up. I think she just wants to make sure nothing gets broken, including me or the kids.
I have to admit there have been a few times with both Chani and Ty things got out of hand. There was one time I accidentally tossed Chani into a garbage can. It didn't hurt her, but it sure did make me feel like a horrible dad at the time!
Now that Chani is a teenager, it's not as "cool" to wrestle around with dad. Every once in a while, though, I have to show her that I can lift her above my head or tickle her off of the cell phone. Roughhousing with Chani has evolved into a more subtle form of playful torture.
My son Ty is 22-months-old, and he loves to wrestle. He likes for me to get down on all fours and chase him around the room. I tackle him to the ground and give him 'zerberts' on his belly. He also gets a kick out of tackling me and bouncing up-and-down on my back. Every time I get tired and try to quit, he says, "Again, again, daddy...tickle, go fast, again!" It's hard to say no.
I've read several articles on the subject of roughhousing, and there are a variety of opinions. Conservative parents or experts warn that kids will imitate the aggressive behavior with other kids causing potential injury. Well...I guess it's possible, but I've never seen my kids do it. When things go too far, including hitting or biting, I stop and address the behavior. If it happens again, then playtime is over.
The article that best captured my sentiments was called Roughhousing from Parent Super Site. The author Dr. Ken R. Canfield of the National Center for Fathering said:
"Through this kind of play, your kids learn some of the first lessons about loving authority. According to Jim and Charles Fay, roughhousing teaches your kids that you love them, that you're strong enough to control them, and that you won't control them unless it's necessary. Your kids learn that you're powerful and kind and gentle at the same time."
I see myself as a "loving authority" in my kids' lives. I care about them very much, and I would never hurt them. I don't like to exert too much control, as I would rather teach them to explore the world without unwarranted fears or stress. It's clear to them, though, that I am the parent and they are the kids - I expect them to respect me and my decisions.
I also see myself as a fun parent. I like to do things with my kids, including roughhousing. I don't think it sets a bad example for how to behave; in fact, I think it is one of the most healthy things we do together.
My dad roughhoused with me, and I believe it helped us to build a strong bond at an early age that was different than the relationship I had with my mother. This bond continues to today, although I think I could probably take him now!
Roughhousing is a fun way to connect with your kids. Every dad has a different parenting style, but every kid wants the same thing from you - to feel loved and that you care. Don't be afraid to get down on the floor, wrestle around and show your kids that you are a loving authority. You'll probably end up laughing more than them!
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4 comments:
Hi Jeremy-
Definitely keep up the rough housing. I just spent the afternoon interviewing Dr. Kyle Pruett - one of the pioneering researchers on fatherhood - and from the research he's conducted, the rough housing that dads do with their kids is incredibly helpful to their development. Definitely go check out his book "Fatherneed" if you want more insights on this. As for the conservative groups who think this type of behavior produces overly aggressive people, I can't think of how backwards that truly is. Kids, particularly boys, become overly aggressive when they DON'T have an involved dad around. I don't think anyone can look at kids in inner city gangs and say to themselves, "Gee, that behavior must have come from their time wrestling with their involved dads." Anyway, keep up the good fathering and stay in touch!
Dana Glazer
Director
The Evolution of Dad Documentary Project
www.evolutionofdad.com
Dana,
Thanks so much for the comment, as well as sharing the information about your interview with Dr. Pruett. I'd love to see the article when you're done. The best thing about roughhousing with the kids is that it's fun for dads too! I think it's good for our development as dads, as much as it is for our kids. This is another thing that helps us "discover" who we are as a parent. Take care!
Jeremy
Jeremy: I could not agree more with your article and with what Dana had to say. I'm tried of people thinking that moms and dads need to be similar.
We men are different and we should not be ashamed to show our kids that there is a difference between mom and dad. My daughter loves to be tickled, carried like a football or a sack of potatoes.
When my daughter and I are playing and we get a little rough, I feel like we are closest. It's something that only her and I do.
Right on! One of the things this blog is helping me to discover through the interactions with so many great dads is that we get involved with our kids in myriad different ways than moms. Kids need both!
We should not be trying to live up to some kind of stereotype about what an involved parent is "supposed" to be. We should just be ourselves!
Kids need to learn to be genuine, and the best way for them to do that is at home. They need to see that dad interacts with them differently than mom because is not mom!
Moms and dads enrich kids lives by being themselves - genuine - and showing kids that they love them in their own ways.
Thanks for a great comment Tyler!
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